The Hearse Rises from the Almost Dead

You may have seen our recent post where against all the odds the Shaguar was rescued from blizzard conditions in the Baltics and safely returned to the UK. You would think then that rescuing a car from a farm in Somerset and driving it 100 miles to our HQ in Woking would be a doddle in comparison. Like the Shaguar, the Hearse had been laid up since the Piste & Broke rally in February 2008. Back then, Greg and I somehow (never again) did a 36 hour stint behind the wheel to coax the Hearse all the way home from Latvia.

Not easy in normal circumstances but even less so when the car couldn't go faster than 56mph due to a massive split in the fuel hose. This gave us a dilemma in Poland where the choice was either stay in the middle of the road and have a 38 tonne truck inches off the rear bumper, or, move over to the side of the road to let them pass and risk mowing down a line of prostitutes.

Such was the relief to finally get home and never set foot inside the Hearse again that we abandoned it until just a few weeks ago when it dawned on us that the Hearse would actually be quite useful for carting loads of stuff down to Wrong Way Round Headquarters.

So with our usual level of blissful ignorance we trotted off to collect it. The first clue that all was not well should have registered when on opening the door we found someone had fitted white furry seat covers, except on closer inspection this turned out to be a generous coating of white mould. This was complimented by the collection of rare fungi that had taken hold in the footwells. Even the half eaten Burger King in the Shaguar didn't smell as bad.

The next setback came when turning the ignition key failed to produce a single light on the dashboard let alone turn over the engine. Clearly leaving the battery connected for a year was not a good idea. Our plan to attach jump leads was then thwarted by the fact we'd parked the Hearse bonnet first in between two walls thereby impeding any access for another car. Nevermind, we'd just have to push the car out. This was again thwarted by the fact that leaving 4,000kms worth of road salt on the wheels and brakes meant that all 4 wheels were now locked solid.

We resigned ourselves to putting the battery on charge overnight but at least in the meantime we could give it an overdue acid bath. Returning the next morning we were delighted when the dashboard lit up only to find that the engine would still not turn over. Instead there was a faint buzzing sound coming from a square box type thing under the bonnet. Not knowing what the square box type thing was, Greg and I decided that a new battery was the answer. £95 quid and a trip to Halfords later we returned with our spanking new battery only to realise we'd bought a battery with round terminals when the old battery had square lugs. Another trip to Halfords and a £95 refund later we then had to trawl around the West Country looking for a garage that sold batteries ancient enough to fit. About 50 miles and £45 later we were in business.

Once again the dashboard lit up like a Xmas tree but spectacularly failed to start, though on the plus side the buzzing noise from the square box type thing was louder than before so we'd made progress. We then concluded the square box type thing was the starter motor and resigned ourselves to phoning Matt for help, knowing full well the level of piss-taking that would ensue. Sometime later after a description of the symptoms over the phone, Matt turned up with a lump of wood and a hammer. With a few instructions and some physical violence the Hearse started first time.
Matt then declared the starter motor was shagged. Feeling pleased that we had diagnosed the problem correctly, Greg and I enquired as to where we could get a replacement for the square box type thing which we now knew to be the starter motor, until Matt in a despairing manner pointed out that the square box type thing was the power steering which was perfectly fine.

Matt then duly supplied the afforementioned replacement starter motor and left me and Greg to it, cheerfully stating that it was "only 2 bolts" and we should have no problem. He should know better...cue the video...

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