So anyway, on Sunday I took the old girl over to Envy, the missus even followed me over to give me a lift back, I was touched by her concern (assuming that she was worried that I would break down) until I found out that I had to take her to the pub on the way home. We dropped it off and all was good in the world until….. Tuesday when I received a text from Colin which read “rearrange the following to make a sentence - crap heap this of you have with bastard up me stitched” now I must stress that he is normally very courteous to his clients, I was so shocked to receive this I shot over to have a look.
I think it actually looks better like this!When I arrived the first thing I noticed that they had actually let Asbo take it apart which was a bit worrying as I have witnessed him take over an hour to get into his lunch box before. Still it could have been worse, they could have let Greg loose on it! Let me explain why this would have been a bad thing, Greg (or “The Spunkster” as he is known for reasons I won’t go into) recently had quite a bad week at work….
Monday – A minor mishap, he was asked by Colin to put some new bulbs in the sidelights of his Soarer, Colin went to go home that evening, no lights at all, he had managed to screw the wiring up so badly it was blowing the fuses!
Tuseday – A large screw up, he was asked to cut a piece of rusty tube out of an oil cooler, he used an air saw and managed to cut through the oil cooler itself as well as the intercooler, Colin had to ring up the owner to explain and then pay to put it all right.
Wednesday – Although he came in he was not allowed to do any work and was told to sit quietly in the corner and contemplate what had gone on the previous couple of days, he was last seen licking the office windows and exposing himself to old ladies.
Thursday – This was a biggie and clearly the result of his day of reflection. He was asked to put Colin’s Soarer on the ramp (I should explain that this is quite a sorted car the has had loads spent on it under the bonnet and custom paint job, body work etc), the car was parked outside so he went out to get it and put it on the ramp, one of the lads noticed a huge gash down the side of it, when questioned he said “it wasn’t me” but upon looking outside there was metallic blue paint down the side of a customers Galaxy that was in for some work that he had clearly hit while moving it.
Friday – Left the country!!!!
I don’t want to think what the week of disaster cost the long suffering Colin (putting all this right), the customers were all happy though, they had lots of new parts, paint jobs etc on their cars. I keep telling Colin not to take pity on these care in the community cases but will he listen? Will he feck. I mean how can you employ someone who’s hobby is chatting up northern women online and going to meet them in his spare time, that doesn’t sound too bad but before he sets up the date he makes sure that they are ladies of shall we say a larger persuasion (is that PC enough) so he is more likely to get his leg over. I suppose we all need a hobby, he must know every mag back to front in the local STD clinic!! Oh and just to top that I heard a rumour that he pissed himself after the works Christmas party, girls if you fancy a bit of this I have his number (applicants need only apply if they need the local fire service to help them get to the dentist).
So anyway I think I may have strayed from the story in a Ronnie Corbet sort of way, I asked Colin what had prompted this text. It turns out that when he had started taking the van apart that he had found a few things of concern (apart from all the stuff on his first inspection), firstly one of the front springs was snapped, it also had no air filter fitted but then they discovered that one of the front brake calipers had actually been welded to the hub, if that wasn’t bad enough the welding job looked like it had been done by a blind badger with a fetish for scale models of the Himalayas, on top of this all the brake cylinders were leaking, it wasn’t good. This meant another begging call to the lovely Debbie at Camberley Auto Factors, I was fully prepared for rejection (well that’s what I get from most women) given what she had already agreed to supply but she came up trumps again, I am officially upgrading my previously declared love for her to lust and I am currently researching the possibility of having a womb implant so I can have her baby’s!
This is what the calliper nut should look like
This is what our welded one looks like!!
The stripped engine, they are even doing the valves!!
The broken spring and welded caliper
So the work continues, I think that James has now drawn the short straw of working on the shed next (not much to say about James, he seems to be as squeaky clean as the love child of Donny Osmond and Mother Teresa, sure he bins his bike every time he sees a cloud in the sky but that’s hardly a crime).
I have heard a whisper that Mick (The Stig) has been seen lurking around the van but as always this is not a confirmed sighting, we have left bait around the van (well Asbo dropped half his tools and lost them while he was taking it apart) but there have been no confirmed sightings.
I think that as I have mentioned everyone else it is only fair that I mention Sarah who works in the office as she is the glue that holds this bunch of crack mechanics together. Her matronly touch (hang on, Sarah, matron, nurses uniform, that works………………………Ok, I’m back now) calms Asbo whenever he loses his bag of marbles and when there is a backlog of work she only has to crack the whip (hang on, Sarah, matron, nurses uniform, whip, that works…………………….I think I have writers cramp in my right hand) and the cars fly out the door.
Disclaimer – The names mentioned above have not been changed to protect the innocent, I didn’t see any point as it’s all true!!!
The story continues…
No comments:
Post a Comment