The Test Ride - a.k.a "driveway disaster"

Remember how excited you were when you last bought a car? Couldn't wait to get the keys and go out for a spin? The same cannot be said when you are taking delivery of a moped bought off Ebay for £112. The anticipation ranks up there with waiting for your test results from the clinic. Let's face it, if this vehicle was a lonely hearts advert is would go something like this:

"Ageing paedophile with club foot and stammer seeks anyone of low moral standards. Light cosmetic damage including slight ripping. Low fluid levels hence not willing to travel long distance. Likes: ritual humiliation and gentle spanking. Dislikes: Working. GSOH (great shit of heap)"

So in light of this I set my expectation levels on a par with the chances of bumping in to Kiera Knightley covered in jelly asking to be licked clean (I may be developing a semi at this point). Well, my expectations were fully met. The moment the cobweb laden, rust infested abhorration arrived I knew in reality I had bumped in to Dot Cotton covered in crunchy peanut butter (ok this is worrying, I'm firming up).

So here she is in all her glory. I can only take solace from the fact that the other guys variously took delivery of the equivalent of Stephen Hawking eating custard, Kerry Katona covered in doner kebab and Pat Butcher in a thong.

Anyway there was no point putting off the inevitable. We all knew at some point they would need to be mounted and ridden hard.

So ah yes, mopeds, sorry got distracted there whilst reaching for a sock. The test ground for our voyage of discovery was the driveway at HQ. A relatively safe bet you would think although in the space of half an hour there was a hole in the hedge and a dent in the side of a hired Skoda Superb (probably the most inappropriately named car since the Mitsubishi Charisma).

Still it wasn't all bad. We did manage to get 3 out of the 4 bikes running. The non-runner being Pat Butcher (Nick's bike). On inspection we found serious fluid leaks, a total lack of spark and a rusty shaft. But anyway enough about Nick.