Desert Storm (in a teacup)

What better year to attempt the other Wrong 'un than the year in which the African continent hosts the World Cup. Just think how great it will be for the members of the England squad to say "we were there" as Extreme Trifle come rolling in to Johannesburg with an injury list longer than Capello's.

Maybe the manager would be sporting and let us take some penalties but with our track record we would have a lace malfunction during the run up and twat someone in the crowd with a loose boot whilst the ball remained squarely on the penalty spot.

Now whichever way you cut it, it would seem that for this next adventure we need to cross the big sandy thing called the Sahara. Evidently there are not many internet forums bursting with chat about previous crossings by our chosen method. People have cycled across it, ridden camels across it, run across it, but never it would seem, delivered a pizza across it.

Meaningful research was proving hard to find and then a mate turned up a copy of a book entitled "Scooters in the Sahara". Unfortunately the book would have been more suitably titled "Scooters near/geographically approximated somewhere close to/ but definitely not IN the Sahara". My personal favourite title would have been "Scooters on the Moon Vs Midgets from Mars" which would have been no less accurate. Suffice to say that was three hours of reading wasted by which time the only thing on the telly was "What Katie Did Next". I don't know what Katie did next but I hope it involved a hidden trapdoor and some sharks. Still we must cut the scooter boys a bit of slack, they were raising lots of cash for charity and they did still ride 4,000kms on C90's which is still daft in most people's book.

Anyway, back to matters in hand. We had barely got to beer number 3 before Kaspars decided there was no way he was spending the trip couped up in a support van with no air conditioning. This means everything we need for the entire trip now needs to fit either on the riders or the bikes. Furthermore, we will no longer have a spare bike as this will now be ridden by Kaspars. This is worrying for two reasons. 1) Kaspars has never ridden a bike beyond the driveway of HQ 2) The only thing that stopped Kaspars getting beyond the driveway was the gatepost.

Embarking on a trip to Africa, without a support vehicle and in the hottest month of the year presents a number of potentially dangerous scenarios with varying consequences.

We might find ourselves doing a Mark Thatcher and getting hopelessly lost for days. Our water would eventually run out and we would die slowly and painfully. Or we might forget to check our boots in the morning and get stung by scorpions and die slowly and painfully. Or we might camp the night at a desert oasis only to discover it is a watering hole for angry hippos who would trample us to death quickly but still painfully. Or we might stray in to the wrong place and get kidnapped by extremists and die very publicly and painfully. Or we might do another Mark Thatcher and get caught up in a plot to overthrow a small country and end up in jail, where we would die very slowly and painfully.  But that of course is worse case scenario. It is more likely that we will merely end up horribly mutilated in which case we will live slowly and painfully.

But right now at least the only painful thing is working out how to fit all the kit to the bikes. Preparations are going well and we have already undertaken an extensive test of a desert prepared* T80 (see figure 1) which was fully loaded and unloaded without anything snapping off in the process.

* for this you will need, 1 T80, 1 rider, a five litre fuel can, a litre of oil, tools, spare tyres, inner tubes, pump, cables, bulbs, spoke kit, tent, sleeping bag, clothes, mosquito net, first aid kit, sun cream, haemorroid cream, whipped cream, SLR, lenses, video cameras, tripod, travel documents, maps, GPS, mobiles, solar charger, torch, firelighters, pots, pans, stove, water, food, bog roll, a Shit Box, lock and chain and last but not least, fancy dress.

Ultimately this will be a team effort. We bear no grudge against Kaspars whatsoever for making us carry several tons of equipment and this will be reflected in the manner in which we carefully prepare his bike to the highest standards...