Vote Trifle !!!

The only party who pledge to make sponge fingers one of your five-a-day.

As the nation goes to the polls you would be forgiven for thinking that there were only 3 realistic choices to make. A month ago it was two but thanks to the televised leaders debates everyone now realises that Nick Clegg is a politician and not the bloke that used to be in Last of the Summer Wine.

Having seen how it is possible to go from also-ran to potentially running the country we’ve decided to make a last ditch effort to get in to Number 10. Apologies for the short notice but our manifesto can be read during a well timed toilet break.

Taxes and Duties

There will be no duty or VAT payable on any ingredients required to make a good trifle. This includes traditional sherry based trifles but also experimental recipes involving cider, all forms of beer and lager, home brew and cigarettes. 

Petrol, tax and insurance will be free for all crap cars and motorcycles. This will be funded by a “Pavement tax” on mobility scooters.

Transport

There will no longer be any MOT “failures”. For political correctness the new test will merely issue an advisory that a car is “mechanically or structurally challenged” but is otherwise safe to drive to Namibia in fancy dress for no particular reason.

The Economy

Apparently there is a massive hole in this. There’s been no hole yet that we haven’t successfully fixed with gaffer tape and cable ties so our track record speaks for itself.

Furthermore we will bring fluidity to the markets with a sustained injection of custard. Admittedly there are fluids with more fluidity than custard but none that go better with whipped cream.

Trade & Industry

We will re-launch British Leyland and as a commitment all members of the cabinet (to be renamed the Fridge) will use Morris Marinas when on state business.

“Dress down Fridays” will become “Fancy Dress Fridays” and be compulsory for all businesses with more than no employees.

Defence

We intend to reallocate the £20 billion cost of renewing Trident in to a massive offshore fart machine in the English Channel. This will repel any invading forces whilst making us world leaders in wind energy and boosting organic farming as the demand for cabbage soars. Admittedly the defence strategy weakens if the wind changes to a north westerly and we could end up gassing our own people but that seems to work in other countries.

Foreign Affairs

All border guards will be obliged to take bribes. Banger rallies will be granted diplomatic immunity under the protection of The Travelling People's Republic of Custardistan. More countries will be lobbied to come up with road signs that mean something rude in English.

Home Affairs

We don’t recommend any affairs be carried out in the home as sooner or later the other half will come home from work early.

Health & Education

It's back to the cane and doing PE in your pants for slackers and dipshits.

Now THAT is a mani-FEST-o.

 

Go on, vote Trifle.

Note: due to not being able to raise enough cash to field a candidate you may find there is no listing on your ballot paper for Extreme Trifle. Fear not, simply register your vote by dropping a generous dessert spoon of your favourite trifle in to the ballot box. Thank you.