The Trans(h)it goes in for life saving surgery

Ok so we have a problem, we are the proud owners of a clapped out Transit that we expect to get us ½ way round the world. You would think that £380 would get you more but I have to face the fact that we have a 2 ton piece of mobile rust. It’s time to face the music and get it checked out by someone who has more knowledge than Nick about vehicles, basically someone who knows the difference between a spanner and a dead badger on a stick!


The Transhit In All It's Glory!!

There is only one company I trust to sort out my vehicles without stitching me up or letting a spotty work experience kid loose on it, not that they don’t try to help out the local delinquents but “Asbo” as he is affectionately called is restricted to making the tea, binning his scooter when ever there is so much as a cloud in the sky, dreaming about what it will be like when he finally gets laid and falling asleep in cars (while supposedly helping to MOT them) with his little hoody hood pulled up, bless.

Anyway I digress, the time had come to take the van to Envy Automotive. I have used these guys for years to look after my cars and vans, I have not owned a car yet that Colin (the owner) hasn’t taken the piss out of and then fixed! He even talked me into buying a Lexus Soarer once which if you have never seen one is basically a 2½ litre twin turbo go-cart! As well as the every day stuff they specialise in tuning Jap import stuff and currently have a Soarer that chucks out 700bhp, most people are impressed with that but as we have a Transit it’s everyday stuff to us!

Colin (right) And A Cardboard Cutout Of Mick The Munch (explained Later!!!) Of Envy Automotive

I went over to HQ to pick the beast up and after pumping the tyres up I tried to start her, nothing (I knew I shouldn’t have left Oz to disconnect the battery) a set of jump leads later she fired into life after what only seemed a couple of hours. So off I went to Envy. The omens were not good, after a few hundred metres I braked for some road work lights and she just kept on going with the back wheels locked, this was going to be an eventful drive. Luckily though I soon found out that a Transit can’t get up enough speed to have an accident so it was all good.

Colin had told me to come over on Saturday afternoon when he was shut so he “wouldn’t get interrupted”, interrupted crap, he just didn’t want people to see that he had a pikey wagon on his premises! As I arrived he had spotted me and was trying to get the shutters down but it was too late, I was in, he had to go through with it!!

I paced around like an expectant father drinking cup after cup of garage weapons grade coffee as he went through the van before giving me a list of parts and jobs required as long as both an orangutans arms with one of my arms welded on for good measure, this was not good karma. I was dispatched with our budget (£2.50 and some Argos Vouchers) in tatters and told to come back next week after Colin had “made some calls”, it all sounded a bit gangster like to me so I beat a hasty retreat.

I have been asked by our legal department to point out that although this picture may look like it was taken covertly on a mobile phone we are in no way claiming that Envy would let our piece of crap on their ramps and although that looks like Colin under the ramps it is in fact a very similar looking person from a nearby garage just down the road a bit and round the corner, I hope that’s clear.

Returning the following week Colin made a call to a mysterious woman and handed me the phone with instructions to talk to her about the stuff we needed, the woman turned out to be Debbie from Camberley Auto Factors. I explained our dilemma and that we were trying to get this heap of crap to Siberia and that I wouldn’t even trust it to get to Morrisons (they have a offer on Stella at the moment you see) with all the faults that Colin had found and that it was all in the name of Charity, Debbie said that Camberley Auto Factors would be delighted to supply all the spares we needed to get the van in fighting shape, I think I’m in love!!!

The good news kept on coming as Colin said that he had talked to his right hand man Mick and they would do the work on the van for us with no charge. I have to pause there and explain about Mick (The Munch), for many people in this area he is a beast of legend that is rarely spotted, basically he is Envy’s Stig. We set up cameras with an intricate system of trip wires for over 2 years and only captured this 1 image of him in his natural habitat, covered in oil under a bonnet.

The Only Known Picture Of The Elusive Mick

So after all that panicking we are going to have a decent vehicle, true it will still be a Transit but at least it has a good chance of getting us there now, watch this space……